As parents age and start to rely increasingly on their children for their care, it is common for disagreements to arise among siblings on what is best for mom and dad. From simple daily chores to more complex financial decisions, arguments can arise on who does what and who has the final say. Ultimately, it’s your parents’ wishes that must be met, but if they can no longer articulate those wishes, each sibling might have a different opinion on what they believe them to be. That’s why it’s important to have the talk with your parents about their wishes before a crisis hits.

Here are some of the most common areas of disagreement:

1. Issue: The amount of care needed.
   Siblings don’t always see caregiving the same way. One may feel their parents are managing fine, while another feels they need extra help. The amount of time spent with parents, geographic location and other factors all play a part in forming these perceptions.
   
   Solution: Get an outside assessment.
   Speak to your parent's doctor about any cognitive or physical challenges you’ve noticed. They can arrange to have an assessment done by a local Care Coordinator through Home and Community Care Support Services (formerly LHIN). Getting a professional outside opinion can help prevent arguments about the care required.
   
   
2. Issue: Who does what.
   More often than not, one sibling ends up taking on the majority of the caregiving. It can start gradually because they live the closest or they’re the oldest and used to taking a leadership role or they have the most “free time”. Whether it’s a conscious decision or one that just happened, it can create resentment.
   
   Solution: Communication and planning.
   Communication is critical here. First, understand that the sharing of responsibilities is rarely equal as people have different responsibilities, work obligations, travel issues, etc. Focus on what each person can do. For example, if one sibling lives farther away and can’t always help out physically, perhaps they can take on other responsibilities like bill payments that can be made online. Come up with a care plan so everyone is on the same page and keep each other in the loop.
   
   
3. Issue: Finances.
   Money can do funny things to people. And when your parents need extra help at home, finances play a major role. If your parents want to stay in their home, for example, renovations may need to be made to ensure it is a safe environment for them. Sometimes parents will move in with one of their children, placing an extra financial burden on them. Decisions on who pays for what and how funds are allocated can create tensions between siblings.
   
   Solution: Establish roles and a budget.
   Ensure your parents have a will in place and have appointed Powers of Attorney (POA) for both property and care. This will ensure that someone (usually one or more children) can make financial and healthcare decisions on their behalf should they no longer be capable. Even if only one sibling is the designated POA, it's important to be as open and collaborative as possible with your other siblings when it comes to financial matters to avoid unnecessary disputes later on. Establish a budget for the care plan along with how it will be financed. And if your parents' retirement savings fall short, look at other options, such as reverse mortgages, that can help.

We all want what is best for our parents but that doesn’t mean we’re always going to agree on what that is. Communication is critical, not only between siblings, but with your parents as well. Ultimately, this is about them and ensuring their needs and wishes are met.

When issues arise, deal with them right away; don’t let them fester. Understand that disputes will arise and this is normal. This is an emotional time. Just remember that you are not alone and there are resources available to help.

How LiveWell Pathway can help

Whether it’s advice, developing a care plan or providing caregiver support when and where you need it, we can meet your needs. Learn more about our home care services or call us at 1-855-274-2228.