As we watch our parents age we see them starting to need more help with everyday tasks, from shopping to paying bills, house cleaning to personal care. No one likes addressing these situations - whether it is getting mom some help to tidy the home, suggesting it might be time for dad to give up his driver’s license or the dreaded discussion about moving to a retirement home.

While these discussions are hard, getting our parents to accept help is a challenge we must not procrastinate against. Why? Because it does not go away, and will only get worse.

Avoid a crisis

Talking to your parents about aging and lifestyle changes, while hard, is better done before a crisis hits. 

Life is a process. And that means you don’t have to resolve everything in one sitting. Let the aging discussion be a series of conversations.

Listen before you talk, ask open ended questions about how they are doing and what concerns they may have, and how it affects them. Really listen to what your parents are saying, their fears, their concerns. Ask for clarification if what they are saying is not clear. Listen to what ideas and solutions your parents have thought about or are open to.

It's about your parents

Remember, these decisions are ultimately about your parents, not just you. Listen to their needs and think about how you can or will address them.

Your mom and dad only know their home and the community they have lived in, likely for a very long time. Often, therefore, there is a desire to remain in their own home and amongst friends. Start with discussions about getting help around the home, such as rails in the bathroom, decluttering the house, etc.

Do not let finances or guilt get in the way of their care. There are many options for financing these changes, particularly if they own their home. Give them what they deserve.

Your parents will challenge you, but start by pursuing small wins. Do your homework before you begin. The more information you gather by talking to other seniors, friends, social workers or your doctor, the better you will be able to address any fears and concerns your parents may have. Present them the facts as options. It is very important to value your parents autonomy as well as their safety and cognition. They are adults and ultimately decisions about their lives are up to them or their Power of Attorney (POA).

10 Helpful Tips for Talking to Your Parents

1. Have an outline of your thoughts and approach the conversations from their safety, freedom and peace of mind, their social connection and being able to make choices. Keep an open mind and listen to what they are saying and what they mean.
2. Be considerate and respectful. Walk for a moment in their shoes. Let them know that you care about how they feel. 
3. Be a good, compassionate listener even if you do not agree with what they are saying. Take a more active role in their life.
4. Involve everyone in the family who should be there. Find a quiet, calm and familiar place where you can focus on the conversation.
5. Practice your ideas with someone who is impartial, e.g. a social worker or a counselor.
6. Use conversation starters to ease into the subject. Start with a casual conversation then build on what they are saying to a more decision focused conversation.
7. Give them compliments on what has worked well for them so you can learn from them. Be honest with your parents; tell them of the changes you are seeing and what they are telling you, e.g. frequent hospitalizations.
8. Give them suggestions on possible ways to deal with their challenges. Lend your support, letting them know you will be there for them and will be around more to help them transition.
9. Learn to compromise honestly with them. Ask them what commitment they will need from you to help make the situation easier and better managed.
10. Show your parents love, caring, touch. Do not hide your love and emotions from your parents. Let them see your heart through your actions, tears and love.

Looking for more advice on having the talk with your parents about their aging needs or need support and resources? Give us a call today. We’re here to help.